When I was living in South Africa, it was broadcast about a week later, but here in Dubai it is on a satellite channel I’m not subscribed to, so missing it would have been no big issue as I wouldn’t have known it was on. However, they’re sneaky in this hectically law-abiding part of the world.

Once in a while you have a day where all the satellite channels are magically open for viewing. Of course you’re never informed of this, so it’s a matter of clicking on the wrong channel accidentally and discovering a world to which you previously had no access.Bliss. Or is it just sneaky marketing?

One such lucky accident happened a few months ago, as I started flipping channels. Realising that I could watch ALL the channels made me feel incredibly powerful. I wasn’t going to give the remote to anyone, NOT EVEN FOR LOVE. So there I was, happily flipping away,  maniacal genius plastered on my face, when the press of a button revealed AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 10.

For one glorious hour I bitched and moaned about the contestants, the judges, the host – not that that requires any grey matter, cos he certainly doesn’t come with any- and reveled in it. Nobody really impressed me, but my disease had returned and I HAD to watch the rest of the season. Unfortunately still not having subscribed to the channel made watching a whole episode a little tricky.

YOUTUBE. LOVE IT.WOULD TRADE MY SOUL FOR IT.

So I watched the next episode on Youtube, and that’s when I saw the little girl with the big hair and the long legs do Benny and the Jets. Although I’m an AI fan, I’ve never really succumbed to choosing a favourite, as it’s hardly ever the talented singers (if there are any in a given season) who make it through. I watch it with similar enthusiasm required for sitting through a broadcast of that freak show that is the Eurovision Song contest. While AI is not a freak show, give or take majority of the earlier ‘we-don’t-have-friends’ participants, it is still that bizarre set up where the young/foolish/brave willingly put themselves out there to be  ridiculed. (Simon you are missed.) This makes for delightful train smash tv. Love it.

So, yes, there was this rare creature up there called Haley Reinhart who actually had an amazing voice and great vocal range. Can this girl sing! Yes, she’s still young, sometimes needs to work on voice control, restraint etc etc. But I watched her outdo Adele as she took on ‘Rolling in the Deep‘ and impress with a wonderfully intuitive version of the jazzy duet ‘ Moanin‘. I watched Steven Tyler go gaga over her – ‘You sing SEXY!’- and  Lady Gaga’s (what? This is a singing contest?) spectacular make up rise a few centimetres as the girl effortlessly pounced on any vocal technique thrown her way. It is refreshing.

Thing is, Haley’s not the norm for AI, and she stretched the limits by trying out as many musical genres as possible, most times nailing it, and not fitting into any box needed to win the popularity contest that is American Idol . Much to the judges chagrin, (insert Randy and JLo here) she also didn’t shut up if she believed in her choices. That didn’t sit well with the fickle US voters who soon realised she wasn’t a cookie cutter contestant, some of them wetting their pants in a bad way every time she ‘growled’ a note . It was just a matter of time before she got the boot.

I’m not going to make any predictions as far as a singing career goes, as we’ve seen most contestants, winners or not, get sucked up by the  earth after they leave the AI stage, but if she makes good career choices, maybe, just maybe she’ll surprise.I hope she does.

Noteworthy metion: if she couldn’t sing she would have my vote for her heels alone. AWESOME!So awesome in fact, she giggled as she fell flat on her ass while doing a Led Zep cover. Haley, it wasn’t the heels, darlin, it was that you took on Led Zep. Holy Grail. Wait a few years if you must.  Even then, Led Zep. Devils fear to tread.

Oh, there was a result last night, if you don’t want to know American Idol Winner 2011, stop reading now.

CONGRATS SCOTTY MCREERY, YOU ARE THE SMALLEST WINNER!Having been rated as the season with the best talent, the finals will probably go down as one with the two most yawn-inducing contestants ever. I’m glad Scotty beat out LeeAnnRhimes and CarrieUnderwood’s love child, though. Yes, I know Lauren is sweet, but so’s a cupcake, it doesn’t mean I want to watch it sing me to sleep. I would have kicked her off ages ago based on her wardrobe alone. I mean, have you seen it? If she’ not trying out for Miss Teen Mermaid USA, she looks like she’s intent on singing  in a music box for the rest of her life.

I couldn’t watch the finale cos I ran out of sticky tape to keep my eyelids from closing. Country just ain’t my thang y’all.

xxx

Kitty

Also, both KP and Jess look like they’re trying to summon the spirit of Joan Jett. (What do you mean she’s not dead?)  I reckon they have about as much talent as a turd has a chance of winning an Oscar for best actress. Oh wait, it did, dressed in pink in 1998 . Strike that.

Ah, but we all know talent doesn’t count for much anymore. Sad but true. Sure, the song is catchy, but  so’s herpes.

What is NOT sad though and definitely talented is the awesome collection of shoes in this video.Truly Fucksome.

Apologies- I can only find Vevo vid of this track on youtube.

*CAS- Does anybody know what Christina Aguilera really looks like? Rumour has it in the late 90′s a pretty tranny got way over ambitious and started plotting with Barbie on how to fuck over the airwaves by ululating the global population into submission and then taking over the world.The plot is taking a bit longer than intended and Barbie has been ditched for her stand-in, Cher.

xxx

kitty

Welcome to Kitty  Stiletto plays MakeBelieve.

Which one of  us girls (and guys) didn’t like a bit of make believe when we were growing up? How much fun wasn’t it being an Arabian Princess, Cinderella, Snow White etc when we were little girls? We could conquer the world being queen for a day. The thing is, somewhere along the road, many of us stop playing make believe. We’re too old or too grown up or just too scared.

Well I say f**k that.

This is Kitty’s glitterbox where I dig in to all sorts of fabulous make up, hairstyles, fashion and, as the site says, play make believe. And hopefully inspire you to play make believe too.

After all, if you could conquer the world as Barbie when you were 10, imagine what you can do as Brigitte Bardot, Audrey Hepburn, Rihanna, Angelina or even Cleopatra for a day.

What are you waiting for? Come play with me.

xxx

Kitty

Now I LOVE red, but unlike staple black, after seeing about five red gowns in a row, it does tend to get samey after a while. Having said that, I can’t fault Sandra Bullock (how old is she again?) making Vera Wang look good. I’m not a big fan Of Vera Wang, except her bridal wear, but I love the cleavage of this dress. Jennifer Hudson looked super hot and stylish in a vermillion ( okay, it was more tangerine but I love this word, let me use it) Atelier Versace gown showing off her fabulous figure.

Also in the red was  Anne Hathaway, and while her gown was classic Valentino, I wasn’t entirely won over by the poofs on the back. It looked like Anne decided to take her pets with her for the evening. And her body was painted in red fabric, so she should have stayed away from the red lipstick and polish.  I was tempted to make a collect call from her mouth. Luckily, being host of the evening means you get to wear more than one outfit.

Michelle Williams and Gwyneth Paltrow opted for the opposite end of the colour spectrum, and while some would argue they looked elegant, but when your hair and clothes are the same colour of bland, well, do the math.

Of course Helena ‘what on earth is she wearing’ Bonham Carter never fails to amuse with her um fashion sense, and if nothing else, she didn’t let us down. This a brave woman, love her.

Although her gown did a good job of flattering Natalie Portman’s baby bump, I’m never sure a purple waterfall is ever a good thing, but that could be cos  I’m not a huge fan of the colour when it’s done in excess. It always leaves me with a bit of Barney after taste. Kudos to her for not following trend (and of course for winning the Oscar for Best Actress, I think that’s supposed to be the important part of the show. )  Also going against the grain was the lovely Amy Adams, who wore a midnight blue form fitting dress by L Wren Scott.

Scarlett Johansson’s   lace figure hugger definitely showed off her curves, and good thing she has some amazing ones, cos she like she forgot to comb her hair.And no, that wasn’t chic. (For those South Africans out there, sy het haar swirlkous te lank aan gehou.)

There was Mila Kunis in a flowing lilac (who) Elie Saab creation. Now I’m tempted to say ‘who, besides babies, wears lilac?’, but I won’t. :p Fortunately (or unfortunately?) for her, she has not much breasts to speak of, and I’m no prude, but girl, this IS the Oscars, and while some actresses on the red carpet may only ever be remembered for taking their clothes off (did I mention Sharon stone’s fab make up?) you want to keep as much inside and in place at these little award shows. Mila, you might have been on stage next to JT, but did no one tell you that the possibility of a  Janet Jackson’ oh my nipple caps’ re-enactment was not on the cards for the night?

It’s a good thing Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress, cos she could do with the naked gold eunuch as a table-weight for that huge piece of lace she mistook for a dress.

And speaking of vintage (yes we were, I just wans’t being obvious), Helen Mirren represented for the golden girls in a chic charcoal Vivienne Westwood taffeta, showing off her new platinum hairdo. Showing you don’t need plastic to look like a million bucks at 100. (okay 60 something?)

And once upon a time there was Halle Berry. Need I say more? Always, Halle.

That’s all for now folks.

xxx

ks

Some of you may already be familiar with this fabulous brand, Irregular Choice. Aptly named, cos it’s not the ‘regular’ type of shoes I’d be blogging about, at the same time that’s why they’re featured here, cos they’re pretty unusual.

Hailing from Brighton, UK, this 12 year old brand was started by designer Dan Sullivan who wanted to give us a different perspective on fashionable shoes.
Their philosphy : ‘Irregular Choice is known for maintaining creativity and individuality in a world of conformity.  It is more than just the name of a brand. It’s a state of mind, a way of being.  A supply of something fresh and fun that maintains imagination and originality above all else.

As pretty as icing

And indeed, as the pics show, they are original…in a vintage kinda way. Lol.
While more on the quirky than sexy side of heels, they’re just so right retro that I gottta own a pair at some stage, and seeing as they have a 70% sale at  the moment, well, girls, we gotta share these things!!

Now theses boots… sigh..

My flavour

These make me think of what  might have happened if  Bettie Page met Alice in Wonderland.

bettie Page meets Alice in Wonderland.

Speaking of The Legendary Miss Page (Insert Queen of pin ups here),

The inimitable (though countless have tried) Bettie Page

this pair belonged to her.

The exquisite heels of Bettie Page

Sigh.
I’m putting on those false eyelashes, painting my lips vixen red and curls, curls, curls… And put on these..or these (sorry @ReneWP).. or these (@MelissaJoyLewis)

Oh yeah, and you don’t have to search the site for tooR long if you’re looking for the perfect Dorothy shoes to take you home.  Or maybe these?

xxx

KS

For the past few months  this meant not only uprooting, being temporarily unemployed, and trying to figure out how so much bad taste (watch this space) can be  concentrated in one city, I also had to put up with intermittent wi-fi .So the first thing I did yesterday was go on youtube and try and catch up with this world.

Among the list of festive uploads, was a truly bizarre Howard Stern show with Wilson Phillips. Now those of you born after 1990 will say who the fuck? Actually I reckon so would the rest of you.
Maybe this will help?

No? Then stop reading and go do something else with your hands.
Oh, there’s one other person here who knows who I’m talking about . So yeah, these girls formed part of my childhood/early teen fantasies. No, not that kind, though it did involve me holding something wand-like to my open mouth, but the object in question was a mic and in my fantasies I was blonde and the lead singer of a harmonising girl group. Yes, sadly, I also was fucking lame once upon a time.
Wilson Phillips had two good years of fame and recognition in the 90‘s, and while they‘re all grown up mommas now, I still remember them as they were in the music video above: golden, happy, and kinda…chaste?

So there they were on Howard Stern talking about cum on their faces and the tightness of their vaginas, underwater vibrators. I’m no prude, and I loved the show, they sounded like they were having a blast with Howard and George. Although I think in future, when I’m soaking in the tub and the bubbles are making me feel all nostalgic, and I’m singing ‘Hold On for one more day ’, I doubt I’d be able to think anything other than *Chynna Phillips not wanting him to come in her mouth. It’s just not going to be the same anymore.
Oh yeah, they were promoting a Christmas album and Chynna is a born again Christian. And you think Russell Brand is twisted hot.

*Let’s spare a thought for poor William Baldwin who doesn’t get blowjobs.
(I intended to entitle this post ‘Cum on baby’, but I reckoned unless you REALLY liked Wilson Phillips in the early 90‘s, you probably wouldn’t appreciate.)

What your crime says about you:

you're not supposed to be wearing balloons

Bubble skirts/dresses:
The prison is overcrowded cos of your types. Not just the size of that ridiculous fat sack around your body, but also cos THERE ARE SO MANY of you now. It proves, popularity does not good style make. You think Lady Di is still with us. You also wear blue eyeliner as a symbol of your belief. You should be shot, but it will be a waste of (many) a good bullet, as we don’t know if you even have a body, let alone where it begins, in that awful get up.

You have a giant poster of ‘Princess Diana’ on her wedding day on your cell wall. You don’t need friends, or cellmates, cos clearly they are not doing their job by letting you out in public in that. You’re not really in prison so much as serving your fellow human beings by being kept away from them.

anal much

The Mullet:
Even Macgyver couldn’t make this look cool, what on EARTH makes you think it’s cool in 2010? Why don’t you just grow your pubic hair and tie a lilac ribbon on it once it’s long enough? That way we’d all be saved from the harrowing vision of you trying out ‘emo’ with way too much effort.

You get visits from Valerie Bertinelli, Ralph Macchio, Michael Knight and Miley’s daddy.

The Emo look:
Unless you were born before/in the eighties, YOU’LL JUST NEVER GET IT. It’s not meant to be a look, it just is/was. (See Mullet) Sucking fake blood or visiting the dentist way too often and neatly applying lots of black mascara everywhere and never washing your hair just doesn’t cut it. And neither does the blade on your wrists, or sleeping in graveyards or being into vampires that shimmer/sparkle/glitter etc.

Your cellmates are members of The Cure, but you think they are dead men walking. They wish you were. Your sentence is community service, reading fairytales to hospitalized kids under the age of 8. They love hearing how Snow White actually dies in the end. Everytime.

Shoulder pads:
Joan Collins best friend and the slut JR ALMOST had a one night stand with. You have a tongue as sharp as your shoulder seams, and you don’t remove your eye-make for anything: not the boyfriend, not the shower, not the bed.

You’re doing time with the likes of Sue Ellen, Prince and Strawberry Shortcake. Your favourite duty is trying to mop out the stain that was left behind by Jennifer Rush’s hairspray.

Leg warmers:
You didn’t quite give up your fantasy of being the next member of Bananarama and even changed your flag to something suitably British. You love primary colours so much, if you were a rapper, you WOULD be ‘PC’ (gettit, please).

Your fashions conviction will see you sharing a cell with Michael from the Bangles (the redhead with the guy’s name), Kids Incorporated and your favourite prison duty is separating the grays from the whites in the laundry.

There is a direct relation between what put in and what we put out...there.

Tie-dye:
You were one of the dancers in Whitney Houston’s ‘I wanna dance with somebody’ music video, but you were edited out of the final cut. But we know you were in it. They wanted acid-wash jeans, not tie-dye. However, you’re so proud of the claim to fame, it has become your default facebook status update.

You are in solitary confinement, as you are too dangerous to be locked up with other fashion prisoners. You are serving a life sentence for your heinous crimes against humanity.

why don't you just cum on my jeans?nobody will notice.

Acid-wash denims:
You think that the dark splotch showing off your butt crease is sexy. You also have never had the misfortune to see your reflection from behind. That’s why you have cellmates. You like what actually goes on in prison. So you don’t sit much anymore, butt ( ) those are  small things.

You know what your sentence is. I don’t need to spell it out.

A combination of any or all of the above:
Sit in the chair while we strap you up and watch with glee as  you bounce up and down.

I stumbled upon a nice little site, thought you might like. Not of the  ’Oh My god I have to have those’ vein, but some cute shoes nonetheless.

If you MUST have flats, these aren’t THAT bad..

But please, please I don’t care HOW trendy these ones below are/were/will still be, unless you’re wearing them with thick hosiery they’re (and I’m gonnna go for the obvious pun here) POINTLESS.

Much like the ‘I’m always going to make you look fat bubble dress’, the’ I can’t believe it’s back off the American Football field and on the runway’ shoulder pads, and ‘Oh no they didn’t kill the person who invented tie dye?’, this is not STYLISH. Fashionable, perhaps, but so too was Hitler when he was alive.

With those ‘I can see right through to your silly little soul’ eyes of hers, and the perfectly mad nerve endings that are worthy of only a truly talented creative,  I believe she IS the Red Queen, and has been waiting in Wonderland for those of us brave enough, to pay her a visit. (Wow, that was a long sentence.) Every scene she was in left me wanting more of her delicious wickedness. She and Tim must be one of the most suitably matched celeb couples. Truly, soul mates. And how superb are the Wonderland costumes?

Apparently designers at the Melbourne Fashion Festival (March 16 2010) agree. Designers showcased interesting versions of fairytale favourites including Snow White, Cinderella and of course the topical Alice in Wonderland.

All very interesting but my question is: where are the shoes?  Is it a case of off with their shoes as well as their heads?? The runway images are headless and footless (haven’t we moved on? Go learn something about fashion photography, photographer dude) but even on the group shot, with head and feet in place, the shoes are just plain boring.

There’s nothing that lets down a fabulous outfit down more than the wrong pair of shoes. (They obviously haven’t read my blog. )

My pick for these would be report signature shoes.

How AWESOME are these?

Thanks to @phr0ggi for the inspiration

MISSIONARY

Your childhood: You went to Sunday school waaaay too often.
Your favourite toy: Battery operated Santa

DOGGYSTYLE

Your childhood: Your parents gave you a cat as your first pet.
Your favourite toy: Guns..toy..real, whatever.

FROGGY STYLE

Your childhood: You hated science lab vivi-section
Your favourite toy: Rubber bouncing balls, skateboards, rollerblades, skipping ropes etc

SPOON

Your childhood: It took forever to wean you off the dummy/pacifier.
Your favourite toy: Teddy Bear

Cowgirl

Your childhood: You never got a pony when you were kid.
Your favourite toy: Yo-yo’s

REVERSE COWGIRL

Your childhood: You got a pony but you had trouble on the saddle.
Your favourite toy: My little pony

LOTUS

Your childhood: You didn’t have friends to play house with.
Your favouirte toy: Doll house/Train set

STANDING

Your childhood: You always got the answer wrong at school or were caught talking in class.
Your favourite toy: Tin soldier/Rubik’s cube

69

Your childhood: You were class prefect , cheelerleader, teacher’s pet. The other kids sucked up to you even though they hated your guts.
Your favourite toy: Barbie/GI Joe

PINWHEEL

Your childhood: You were really good with scissors, and even threatened a kid once with a pair of them.
Your favourite toy: paper dolls /puzzles

PILEDRIVER

Your childhood: You weren’t very good with fine motor-skills.
Your favourite toy: Sand trucks

RUSTY BIKE PUMP(not really, but it's a funny pic)

Your childhood: You were always asked to hang up posters in class and found your face right up against the wall.
Your favourite toy: You guessed it, a bmx

ARC DE TRIOMPH

Your childhood: you were REALLY good at maths.
Your favourite toy: games of any kind

All of the above : You  were the kid sitting by the window daydreaming. And they thought  you  were one lazy mother fucker. Ha!
Your favourite toy: Lego

All of the above and thensome: You copied from everybody else’s homework.
Your favourite toy: You didn’t need any- you borrowed everyone else’s.