This is my shoe gallery. For those of you who are familiar with bed shoe diaries, Thanks for the visit always awesome having you ;o), and for those BSD Virgins,WELCOME! This site works as a killer heels gallery, with a sneak peek of all my sexy ladies diaries/stories.
Stuck in morning traffic I’m often subjected to songs I’d rather forget I know the lyrics to. This morning it was the ‘seductive’ frog himself (sorry @phr0ggi ) Bryan Adams, croaking something lame and covered in lyrical slime. Which reminded me of another line from one of his earlier before-the-eyeliner hits: ‘Have you ever really loved a woman?’
Below, find aforementioned ass-lyrics and the rest of the equally lame lot.
Be warned: no classic has been spared.
Mariah taking the Eminem bait. She should try comedy.Maybe horror.
1: ‘When you can see your unborn children in her eyes’
A friend pointed out that ‘he probably pulled out too soon and came all over her face’ and that’s the least nasty of the images conjured up. I mean I see floating foetuses, dead babies, eyes that are actually crystal balls showing how you’re gonna be paying for a house you’ll never enjoy living in and have to support at least one other individual for 18 years. Yeah, so romantic.
(Have you ever…by Bryan Adams)
2: ‘Your eggs are over-easy..’
COME ON. Where do I begin? First of all, YOU might have eggs, he doesn’t…unless you’re singing about a her, but then it fucks up the rest of the song. It’s just plain gross. Even if his eggs are over-easy, by the time she’s done telling him about not being his ‘Superwoman’, his eggs are fucking congealed. That’s why I say: make sure your eggs are well done. None of this runny shit. NO wait, what I was trying to say was: WHO THE FUCK SINGS ABOUT EGGS in a romantic ballad? It was a big hit in the day. No accounting for taste.
(Superwoman by Karen White)
3: “Lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains” Okay serious issues, girl. You have an ass, and of course hips as you needed to let the world know, so no need for a disclaimer. And are you lost in translation? Cos I sure as hell am lost in yours. Rock abs sure, but rock tits? What kinda plastic surgeons they got over there in Shakiraland?
(Whenever wherever- Shakira)
4: “I ain’t never seen an ass like that, the way you move it
You make my pee-pee go Doing-doing-doing’” Doing? You got a slinky in your pants? Or you still hiding your small pee-pee under a strap-on? Just underlines the fact that this guy needs to pass high school some day soon, and quit being the playground bully. Oh, and now he’s bitch fighting with Mariah. Again. Search the fm for another episode in the Em&M wars. Yawn.
(Ass like that- Eminem)
5: “Young, black and famous With money hangin’ Out the anus”
Ok, kudos to you for writing probably (one hopes) the only song with the word anus in it. Butt WHY? You’re all gangsta and shit, you should be like exempt or something from using words that immediately conjure up a tiny gathered hole that doctors stick things up when nothing else works. Or just cos it’s their idea of a good time.
( Can’t nobody hold me down- Puff Daddy)
As always, keen to hear your list of suck-ass lyrics.
Stiletto stalker-You’re Mariah Carey smiling for real. Movie: Basic Instinct. Song: Touch my body
Flip-flop stalker
Flip-flop stalker-You’re Celine Dion/Tom Cruise without the God complex. One scary piece of work. Movie: Cape Fear. Song: I drove all night to get to you.
Platform stalker
Platform stalker-You’re Victoria Beckham without the leverage ie famous husband. Movie: Single White Female. Song: White flag(I won’t go down with this ship)
Sneaker stalker
Sneaker stalker-You’re Christian Bale going badass on momma. Movie: American Psycho. Song: Can’t get you out of my head.
Wedge stalker
Wedge stalker-You’re Neve Campbell making your ‘I’m gonna sneeze’ face, again. Movie: Scream. Song: Shout, shout (let it all out).
Boot stalker
Boot stalker- You’re Clint Eastwood with eyes and no hat. Movie: Play Misty for me. Song: er, Misty? No, okay. How about ‘(Can’t live if living is) without you’.
Stripper Heel stalker
Stripper heel stalker-You’re James Spader in every movie he’s been in. Movie: Secretary. Song: I’ll be wrapped around your finger.
Ug Boot stalker
Ug(ly) boot stalker- You’re Kathy Bates. Movie: Misery. Song: Every breath you take.
Barefoot stalker
Barefoot stalker-You’re Stewie from Family guy tripping on gummy berry juice Movie: Fatal attraction. Song: Bird is the word. Ok no, had to try. Song: I’ve got you under my skin.
Combo- Read all of the above and get a straight jacket. In fact, don’t read it. Leave me alone.
Three of the songs above were sung by Mariah Carey. Scarey.
Posted in kitty list on July 29, 2009 by Kitty Stiletto
Being a child of the sixties…okay no not really, but if I had the chance to travel through music history and lock musicians in a studio together, let them get on with their thing, it might go down like this:
The Rolling Stones + Madonna + Busta Rhymes aka Rock With A Cock & Lady Tick-Tock
Madonna, dressed in nappies starts masturbating in the studio, causing Mick and the boys to bring out their favourite accessory: the defibulator. Busta, seeing it’s too much for the boys, gives Madonna a helping hand and then some and helps her finish up quickly, as time is tick-tocking away. They do a cover of ‘Like a virgin’, with Mick saying, ‘Man, this shit ain’t real, we can’t sing about something we never were.”
Busta says, “But that’s what makes it so damn gangsta, nigger!” They think about it for a second, and all shake their heads in agreement, with a few changes.
Busta’s line: “Stretch you like that nigger’s double garage nostril.”
Mick: “ I can’t get no, Virgin action. I can’t get no!”
Madonna: “Like a virgin, what’s the use I’m singing this line? Like a virgin, Can’t remember my very first time, I think was just nine, whore-hore yeah.”
Beatles + Britney Spears + The go-go’s aka Two Heretics A Whore & Some Golden Girls In Ridiculous Platforms Walk Into A Bar Britney cover the ‘challenging’ vocals screeched by the Japanese hobbit wife of the dead Lennon. Paul McCartney would add lyrics to an old Lennon McCartney song claiming Paul is bigger than Jesus, and ex go-go Belinda Carlisle would shout ‘You mother fucker, need Jesus!” while stepping on his balls with her white go-go boots. Ringo would sing a ‘groovy man’ refrain. Oh, and a dead Lennon would come back briefly to give Britney a decent number one. She’ll be top of the hair and music charts once again. The end of the world as we know it.
The Doors+ Lenny Kravitz + The Pussycat Dolls aka Yiddish Blow-Ups Get High
Jim Morrison not dead, gets it on with Nicole Sherzinger as Lenny steps in from behind, they slap each other around like bitches( Lenny and Jim), each claiming to be the ‘Real Lizard King’. Meanwhile a real bitch-slap ensues with the whatsisnames of Pussycat dolls and Nicole. They take their heels off and start bitch fighting each other with it, and realize what an awesome sound effect it makes. They record a hip-hop/prog rock ‘Riders of the bone’, with Lenny and Jim putting their heavy breathing to good use on the mic as Nicole and the others do a group hug before they record the heel-hitting sounds. It’s an instant number one.
Coldplay + Michael Jackson aka How dead do you want me to be?
Yeah, I can’t believe they killed the classic MJ song. Guys, you need black soul for this…and you ain’t gonna find it at the bottom of Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘I-am-so-seriously- unsexy-so-I’m-wearing-the-highest-heels-I-can-find-while-trying-not-to-make-a-total-ass-of-myself-by-falling-on-it’ shoes. TIP: Start writing something DIFFERENT. That doesn’t require a formula. It’s called creativity.
Periods(and all the glorious experiences that go with it), different-sized breasts, something-and-a-half- size shoes, PMS,those who go the dark way: pregnancy, urinary tract infection aka pissing razorblades, periods, stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles (and no it’s not the same- think George Clooney and think Meryl Streep), bras that don’t fit after the third wash, the pill, hip replacement, menopause,did I mention periods? These are just a handful of short ends of sticks we have to chew on as women.
But talking about short ends of sticks, one thing we do not have to worry about is an unexpected and inappropriate-as-all-hell boner. THANK THE LORD for that small (shuddup about the size, there are moments when they don’t count) mercy. But you’re in ‘good’ company dudes: even celebs like John Legend and Wyclef Jean aren’t immune to the wayward ways of the woody.
So it’s been a really stressful week? Taken you forever to clear the paperwork? Still working through it and can’t see your way through to 5pm?
Grab an ass.
Squeeze it, work it your hands. Feel those soft curves move against your fingers.YEAH baby! And don’t worry about a sexual harassment case: you can have your butt and squeeze it.
I like big butts..
Get yourself one of these cute ’sexy squishy peach butt ‘ cellphone charms & stress(ball)bums from strapya-world. These delectable tight asses come in a variety of sexy undies, some even with sexy hose!
My only complaint: why are all the butts pink?
Need some creamy cappucino & chocolate booties in the mix.
I’m so looking forward to Alice In wonderland with the inimitably cool Johnny Depp, the delicious Helena Bonham-Carter and chocolate-eyed Anne Hathaway. By the looks of it, it’s going to be brilliantly twisted, of course directed by the awesome Tim Burton, it can’t be anything but twisted!
Much like most fairytales…
Cinderella: So no one ever told you how to run in heels? These farm girls, I tell you. Still, you’re perfect for your foot-fetish Prince. As for that fairy godmother thing, cut down on the weed. I mean, I know P.C. is not exactly well endowed, but you gotta give him kudos for really trying.
Rapunzel: You obviously don’t need a GHD before going out, and have a vibrator to keep you company in that room. So what if he comes on your hair all the time?
Snow White:
Ok, you’re a kinky mother fucker, but Fuck girl, it’s cos of dumb bitches like you that we have to work so hard. Do you NOT remember what happened to Eve when she asked Adam to fucking go take a bite? And don’t gimme that shit about being the fairest of them all. You had to do it with 7 dwarves before you got your Prince.
Frog Prince: To bravely go where no girl has gone before. I give you that. Blowjob musta been tricky. FREAK.
Princess and the Pea: You must have spinal problems, go to a chiropractor.Or change the fucking mattresses. The springs are probably worn on all of them, they’re so old. And those stains man… you even know what they are? No, but you’ll still go and blame the fucking pea.
Goldilocks & The 3 bears: Snow White? Princess Frog Prince (oh you know what I mean)? You’re downright nasty. No really. Lotsa things on this blogs, but bestiality? Oy vey. And then still blessing all the rooms while you’re at it. Gives ‘bear hug’ a new meaning. TMI Girl!
Beauty & the Beast: Huh yeah, read Goldilocks above. And the Frog Prince. And Just like multiply that by 5. I liked you until you asked your Dad for a rose. Couldn’t you just send him to a fucking florist? NO. I will not look at a rose the same way again. Oh and then there was Celine Dion in the Disney mix. You’re starving for haters, are you? Out to kill us all with cliché and weird weird sex. You go girl. Now where’s that fucking knife when you need it? Oh yeah, in my back where you left it.
The Little Mermaid: I have only one thing to say to you: You’re ALWAYS going to smell like fish.
“Since February, my attorney has advised me not to speak out, even though ever since the incident I wanted to publicly express my deepest regret and accept full responsibility,” the singer said in a two-minute clip posted on his official You tube channel on Monday. “Although I will do some interviews and answer some questions in the future, I felt that it was time that you heard directly from me that I am sorry.”
This was part of Chris Brown’s pubic apology yesterday, for sending his girlfriend Rihanna to hospital. SIX months after the incident. Not cool.
They were so seemingly ‘tight’ back then, that a Hollywood Musical was around the corner. Though, I think, after all the drama, this is one thing you’ll never see:
Chris & Rihanna: Too late to apologize
It’s evening, Chris and Rihanna getting their freak on in the car.
Chris: Soulja Boy Off In This Ho ,Watch Me Crank It, Watch Me Roll, Watch Me, Crank Dat Soulja Boy, Then Super Man Dat Ho.
Rihanna lets Chris have his dirty way, and as they’re bumpin n grinding, some old cd’s fall out of on the car seat. There are some classics, including The Beatles and the stones.
Rihanna: I can’t get no satisfaction.
Chris: Come together right now over me.
Joining in on the act, two horny cats are getting it on against the car wheel. One of the cats lets out a loud yowl.
Chris: What’s wrong, pussycat?
Rihanna: I waited till I saw the sun, I don’t know why I didn’t come.
Chris turns his attention back to Rihanna. Thinking she might need some extra help, Chris reaches under the front seat and produces a whip, dildos, strap-ons and a vibrator.
Chris: I got what you need, so tell me what you need. Need to get slapped Ike Turner style?
Chris is ready for action again, and Rihanna drops her eyes to his crotch.
Rihanna: If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
Chris: So tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Rihanna: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I don’t want no short –dick man.
Chris: Shorty? Get low, low, low! Tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
Rihanna: So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Chris: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna. Change my pitch, smack my bitch up.
Chris offers Rihanna the vibrator. She puts the whip in his hand.
Rihanna: Hit me baby? One more time!
Chris: Be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it, you just might get it.
Rihanna: Why, why? All of this is human nature.
Chris, switches on the vibrator, and speeds up it circling motion.
Chris: Sometimes love comes around. When it knocks you down, just get back up.
She attaches the strap-on.
Rihanna: If I were a boy I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl. I swear I’d be a better man.
Rihanna removes her hand from Chris’s dangly bit, as her eyelashes come undone.
Chris: If you believe there’s a man on the moon!
Chris shoots back lamely. Rihanna looks in the rearview mirror and reapplies her false eyelashes.
Rihanna: I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways.
Rihanna starts rolling with laughter as Chris gets his dangly bit stuck in his zip. Chris looks down at his crotch.
Chris: I hate this part right here. I just can’t take your tears.
He whimpers, pulling his over-sized hoodie over his zip.
Rihanna: I’m so 3008, you’re so 2000 and late.
Chris grabs the bitch, I mean Rihanna by the neck and starts choking her,
Chris: Shittin on y’all with the boom boom pow.
Chris really starts laying into her.
Rihanna: I keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love.
Chris peels back the strands of hair clinging to her face.
Chris: Don’t worry be happy.
All join in the chorus, including the bleeding Rihanna.
End of act one.
Rihanna is played by Miley Cyrus who, in her fist double role in a musical, stars as both romantic leads. Recession sucks ass.
Based on a true story, the names of all the people involved have been changed.
Remember: That blowjob you’ll get later (if you buy her those shoes.)
Need some creamy cappucino & chocolate booties in the mix.
